How to Stop an Exploding Man
by Viresse430
Summary: A parody. How you can stop an exploding man. Taught by Isaac Mendez with assistance from Mohinder Suresh.
1. How to Stop an Exploding Man

AN: This is a parody, therefore, anything mentioned here is for the pure fun of it and does not reflect my personal opinions...for the most part. Like every parody I write, this is just silliness and is meant for a cheap laugh.

AN2: This is the fourth or fifth re-upload of this. So, thanks to everyone who has reviewed thus far. And to those who haven't: if you would like me to continue this, please say so, or else I might leave it a oneshot. Oh and there is a 24 reference so if that is unacceptable, then I'm sorry.

AN3: Fixed my misspelling of Niki. Who spells it like that? Looks strange...but still we must try to be spelling-correct. Oh, and thanks to all the people who have reviewed thus far.

AN4:GRRR!! What a stupid typo! How did I miss it? And right in the title too. Well anyway, its' fixed now. How to Stop AN Exploding Man

How to Stop an Exploding Man-Taught by Professor Isaac Mendez.

(Isaac addresses his class full of male students that just happen to be: Matt Parkman, D.L. Hawkins, Hiro Nakamura, Ando Masahashi, 'Claude Rains", Mr. Linderman, Mr. (Noah) Bennet, the Haitian, Micah Sanders, Nathan Petrelli Ted Sprague, and strangely Gabriel Gray known by everyone everywhere as Sylar. Mohinder Suresh stands opposite Isaac at the front)

Isaac: Welcome to my one day class on How to Stop an Exploding Man.

(Micah raises his hand)

Isaac: Yes, you, little dude that I don't draw.

Micah: Micah, uh isn't "How to Stop an Exploding Man" the name of the finale?

Linderman: Shut up, you aren't supposed to know that!

Isaac: Yes, So continuing on. This class was designed by my very talented self to help teach others how to combat said exploding man.

(Haitian raises his hand)

Isaac: Creepy guy.

Haitian: Who is the exploding man?

Linderman: YOU CAN TALK!?

Isaac: Oh, you've both been living under a rock, or smoking too much pot.

Haitian: That's Jamaicans.

Isaac: I bet you do too.

Simone: Shut up. You're a heroin addict.

(Isaac points to the sign which does clearly state: No GIRLS allowed. Simone rolls her eyes, sighs dramatically and stomps out)

Isaac: Back to the question. ...damn you people like to interrupt...The exploding man is, OF COURSE, Peter Petrelli.

Claude: Haha.

Nathan: Why did you just say "haha"? And why can't you ever have an actual name in any sci-fi series?

Claude: Names are too constricting. Plus the ladies dig the mystery.

Isaac: Class! Can we focus!?

All: Yes, Professor Mendez...

Isaac: Now, this class is devoted to understanding and defeating Peter Petrelli.

Sylar: And eating his brain?

Ted: Do you really eat brains?

Isaac: MOVING ON! No, we aren't trying to jack his very-awesome-best-power, we are here to stop him from stealing every female on this show!

All: Ohh...

D.L.: Not every female-

Isaac: Did I ASK if there were any questions, Mr. Hawkins?

D.L.: No...

Isaac: Then shut up! First, I will address the problem (looks at D.L.) Then we, Professor Suresh and I , will explain how he does it and how all of us can stop him.

(Isaac walks behind his desk and produces a very large painting of Peter. And then another. And another...and another...until the front of the room is packed with them.)

Isaac: This is the enemy, Pet-

Mr. Bennet: Question!

Isaac: WHAT!?

Mr. Bennet: If you hate him so much, why do you paint him so much?

Isaac: I paint what I see!

Matt: Does that mean you're stalking him or-

Isaac: BACK TO THE LESSON!! This is Peter Petrelli, who I paint a lot and keep paintings of around me at all times but trust me I really do hate him. Now this mangina-

Micah: What's a mangina?

Isaac: This pansy has the capability of getting more tail than all of us put together. First, we see that MY girlfriend who stuck with me through a DRUG ADDICTION left me in half a second to makeout with him in the rain and then...(His face gets red and he starts shaking) Then there is Claire Bennet who is his niece and still wants to jump him.

Mr. Bennet: That's a lie!

Claire: Uh...yeah! A lie!

(Isaac points to the sign)

Isaac: And in the future, this is for you D.L., he's hitting Niki Sanders.

Niki: (sighs) Yeah...

(D.L. points to the sign)

Isaac: This is getting out of hand! No woman on the show is safe from him!

Nathan: That isn't true-

Isaac: Don't even. We've all seen you being overly affectionate with him.

Nathan: Yeah... (stares off dreamily)

Isaac: Now, do you know why this is?

Claude: The whole creepy incestual thing?

Isaac:...wait...no. I meant why that girly-girl can get every female lead in the show.

Claude: Well it's still creepy.

Nathan: And I bet you were just "training" him for a few weeks.

Claude: Oh now it's on!

Mohinder: People, please, settle down.

(His soothing accent gets them to sit)

Isaac: Can anyone guess how he does it?

(Sylar raises his hand)

Isaac: Yes, you. Guy who kills me and scoops out my brain.

Sylar: Sylar. Uh...is it his fantabulous hair?

Hiro: What is "fantaburous"?

Nathan: Fantabulous.

Hiro: Fant-

Isaac: No English Lessons! ...Is fantabulous English? But anyway, no Sylar, it is not his thick, shiny, beautiful, perfect hair that just...

(Everyone sighs)

(Ando raises his head)

Isaac: Yes, comic relief?

Ando: Ando. Uh, is it that weird little expression he does that's sort of a cross between Sylvester Stallone and Tony Almeida from 24 but somehow looks adorable on him?

(Everyone nods, smiling)

Isaac: No. You there with the strange beard.

Claire (Wearing a big beard): Is it his big, expressive, dreamy eyes that just make you want to-

Mr. Bennet: Claire-Bear!

(She runs)

Isaac: No to that as well. Parkman?

Matt: I hate my name...I wanted to be Peter Petrelli and get all the chicks and-

Isaac: Your answer?

Matt: Oh (Does his concentrating face) It's because he's a whiny-little-emo-that-acts-like-a-girl...

Isaac: Don't read my mind!

Matt: -But-he's-got-the-most-delicious-forearms-"

Isaac: Who's mind are you reading? (Starts sweating) Just stop that. Mohinder, tell us why.

Mohinder: It is because he is sensitive, even in the future he's a softy under all that hair grease. Women just die for that. They also die for my amazing curls but do I get every girl that isn't a badguy and obviously going to die or someone who is only eight? No.

Isaac: Now, we are going to show you that any woman will be caught by this emo-girly-feelings bullshit.

(Isaac opens the door and Peter walks in)

Peter: Uh...this is sort of weird. (He walks around checking out the paintings)

Mohinder: Look! An injured puppy!

Peter: Quick, clear a table! Move! I'm not gonna let this one die on me! Seems everyone I help dies...

Nathan: You're a hospice nurse!

Peter: Yeah...I had to be emo about my career...

(Gets to work on the puppy)

Mohinder: Mother, come in please.

(Mrs. Suresh walks in slowly, takes a long look around and sees Peter valiantly trying to save the puppy. She promptly throws her scarf at him -She is too proper and dignified to throw undergarments- runs over and begins to squeeze him to death)

Mrs. Suresh: Oh! You're so understanding! I wish my son was like you!

(Claire, Simone and Niki stand in the doorway and sigh)

Claude: Stop that! It's creepy!

Mohinder: Thank you Mother. (He yanks her away and shoves her out the door) So you see, all we must do to get and/or keep our hot tail is to shoot him in the head.

(Pulls out a gun)

(Hiro raises his hand)

Mohinder: What?

Hiro: If this is all comedy, then why have I had two lines?

Isaac: Because you're sweet and not jealous and you don't have some creepy love for Peter.

Ando: I do.

Peter and Hiro: What!?

Mohinder: Can I shoot now?

(Just at that moment Jack Bauer bursts in)

Jack: Drop it!

Mohinder: But you're in the wrong show!

Jack (With that creepy sociopathic smile he does when he's being really naughty): I know. Drop it!

(Mohinder drops it)

Jack: This is a matter of national security! (Grabs Peter and runs out)

All: Uh...what was that?

(Jack and Peter drive off in one of the very huge SUVs Ford donates to 24)

Peter: Uh...what's a matter of national security? You didn't even show any ID.

Jack: I'm Federal Agent Jack Bauer and this is the longest day of my life. And...we've killed all of our lovable characters we're sort of stuck with Chloe and Buchanan. And you know that isn't good for future ratings.

Peter: Oh...so...?

Jack: Shut up. This is my show, I make the rules.

Peter: No it isn't and no you don't.

Jack: Ohh...I like you.

(Back in the classroom)

Isaac: I guess that solves everyone's problems. We keep the girls, New York won't blow up, 24 can get some new viewers and Jack will have one day to stop Peter from blowing up LA)

Mohinder: We actually didn't do anything.

Linderman: Stop looking the gift-horse in the mouth: It has bad breath.

Hiro: What horse has bad breath?

Isaac: There is a hitch.

All: What?

Isaac: It's lunchtime and Sylar forgot his lunchable.

All: Oh shit!


	2. 000000000007

1AN: Here is the conclusion to the ...first part? Next one will be more funny. I promise. I swears. Really. On the precious.

.000000000000000000007

Mohinder: Cockroaches are amazing creatures. They have-

Jack: My name is Jack Bauer and this is the longest day of my life.

Mohinder: Heeeeyyyy. I get to do the boring intro!!!!

Jack: But you were talking about cockroaches, fangirls don't want to hear about cockroaches.

Mohinder: Uh-huh!!! And anyway cockroaches represent Heroes. All you're doing is talking about how difficult your life is. Oh how sad, poor Jack Bauer.

Jack: (mumbling) Stupid terrorist. Taxi-driving bin Laden...

Mohinder: I am from INDIA! I'm not a terrorist!

Jack: Sure, Mohammed. I think I know what a terrorist looks like after all this time. Sorta scrawny, bad facial hair, and female.

Hana: We interrupt this bickering to get on with the...other bickering.

(After much debate, threatening, dealing, pleading, shooting, killing, bribing, blackmailing, and karaoke, the Heroes have finally decided to save Peter from the evil Jack Bauer.)

Mr. Bennet: Anyone have a plan?

Claire: You said you ALWAYS have a plan! DAAAAADDDYYYY!!!!

Mr. Bennet: And you see how well that always turns out. (Reminisces for a moment of being shot, getting thrown into buildings...having his house burn down...getting fired...bosses trying to kill him...)

All: True. Your plans SUCK.

Mohinder: Especially the one where you wanted to kill a little gurl! (Huggles Molly)

Claire: Was that girl with a u?

Mohinder: ...yes.

Claire: OMG! Awesome!

Sylar: You know, all of your stupid little plans will fail.

Mr. Bennet: Oh, I know. But-

Sylar: No, I meant none of any of your plans will work.

(They all try and sort out that mess of English)

Sylar: You can't just walk into 24. The gates are guarded by more than just orcs.

Niki: Orcs?

Sylar: Orcs. The very air you breathe is a-

Boromir: Come up with your own creepy pessimistic speech. (Steals the speech and runs away)

Sylar: (mutters) Eat his brain if he had one...stupid long-haired hippie...I hate people...why is my mom such a-

Nathan: Can we focus here?

Isaac: Hey, I voted against this whole thing.

Simone: No you didn't.

Isaac: But I was going to.

Nathan: Sylar, how do we get into 24?

(Sylar starts blushing and looks away modestly)

Mohinder: You aren't modest! You can't look away modestly! Tell us how to get in!! OMG!!

Nathan: What he said. Without the extra exclamations and girl-speak.

Sylar: Well, first off the entire show is surrounded by a fence.

Parkman: Is that it?

Sylar: No! God, Fatty! Wait a minute! Even if we get past all of this, we have a .0000000000000007 chance of making it back alive! So anyways, After the fence, it is surrounded by molten lava.

DL: Lava?

Sylar: Stop repeating me! (Runs after him and tries to eat his brain) (Then gets bored because DL is way faster) After the lava, there are lions, tigers and-

Linderman: Oooh! Ooh! I know! Bears!!

Sylar: No. Marmosets.

Hiro: Why don't we just teleport?

AAAAHHHH BREAK TIME! AAAAAHHHH

(Back at 24...)

Jack: Guess what, guess what!

Peter: What?

Jack: Like once, this place was blowed up. And like, another time there was this poison gas. And then this other time-

Peter: (whining) I wanna go home!!!! I'm gonna miss Gilmore Girls!

Jack: That was shameless self-promotion. (To reader) Go watch The Sentinel, and Phonebooth, and Young Guns I and II, and Dark City and the Lost Boys...

(While Jack is promoting, Peter runs for the exit. Without looking, Jack tasers him and continues)

and Watership Down...

Hiro: Why don't we just teleport?

Ando: Hiro, why did you repeat yourself?

Hiro: In case people forgot my crucial line!

Ando: When did you learn the word 'crucial'?

Hiro: Flyingman taught me!

Nathan: It's Lord Petrelli.

Claire: Teleporting, that's good...eh wait, did you just say Lord Petrelli?

Nathan:...yes.

Claire: Sweet! I'm like a princess or something!

Nathan: Sure...

Ando: I think we should teleport. I don't like Marmosets.

Niki: No one cares what you like, pervert.

(Ando sits down and cries, because it's true)

Mr. Bennet: Teleporting seems easy enough.

Ando: You ever try it?

Mr. Bennet: Several times. But then one time, when I was trying really hard...

(Niki and Mohinder cover the children's ears)

Audrey: Can we get this over with? I have a bad teen horror movie I have to get to.

(They all hold hands)

Sylar: We all live in a yellow submarine-

Ted: Yellow submarine!

Sylar: I SAID NOT TO REPEAT WHAT I SAY!!!! (Kills Ted and runs off with his brain so we can't actually see what he does with it, but we know that he eats it because that is just way cooler than just looking at/playing with it)

Mr. Bennet: Aw damn. I liked that little guy.

Parkman: Me too...

(They start crying, and Claire joins them and then realizes that she didn't cry when he died before, and actually didn't seem to care. So she takes out a cigarette and goes all James Dean)

Mr. Bennet: (still crying) When did you start smoking?

Fanboys: FIRST EPISODE!! HOT JAILBAIT!!

Mr. Bennet: That is smokin'. Creepy forty-year old guys. Oh wait...

(They teleport to 24)

(Jack is yelling at Peter as he tries to diffuse a bomb. Peter's diffusing the bomb. Jack is standing there drinking lemonade and trying to stop Chloe from humping his leg)

Peter: But I am a bomb! And I can't even diffuse myself!

Jack: Damn it, Peter! We don't have time for this!

(Peter starts crying)

(Nathan runs over and starts rocking him)

Nathan: Aww...do you want your bottle?

(Peter shakes his head)

Nathan: How about your blankey?

(Peter shakes his head)

Nathan: Just huggles?

(Peter nods)

(Nathan huggles him, endlessly.)

Jack: Hey! No affection on my show if there is no tongue involved!

(Sylar uses his magical powers...)

Mohinder: Genetic evolution!

(Sylar uses his genes of telekinesis to throw Jack against the wall. Then realizes how fun that was and throws everyone against the wall)

Claude: Damn traitors! I always get betrayed! Every time!

(Hiro pulls a quick-thinking moment and has them all hold hands and teleports them away)

(Jack looks at Sylar)

Jack: You look familiar...

Sylar: No...

Jack: Yes. OMG! You're Adam Kaufman! I remember you!

Sylar: NOOOO!!!!

(Sylar runs away like a sissy)

And all is right in the land of Heroes again. Except the fact that they all hate each other. And Peter is a bomb. And Sylar is now in 24...again. And dead people are alive. And Ted is dead, again.


End file.
